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Rearrange Beds
The Morning Is Your Own
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21st-Mar-2022 12:00 am - Friends Only.
17th-Aug-2010 07:51 pm - wildcats.
university is starting soon. I'm terrified, but at the same time, I'm incredibly excited. I finally get to live on my own and get to do something that I kinda want to do.

lately, I've become increasingly tired. I don't know if it's been the long nights staying awake to watch MuBank, MuCore, and Inkigayo, but it's possible that may be the reason why. my new psychologist who seems to not care much for his patients suggested that I get a sleeping aid. I thought about it for a while but then realized it may not be of any help at all. in fact, taking it while living alone and having to wake up at 7 AM each morning to leave for school before 9:30 would probably be a disaster. the last thing I want to do is mess this up.

as much as I say I'm doing this for myself, it feels more like I'm doing this for everyone else. I keep getting pressured with things like "c'mon, do this. don't do that. don't mess up. you're doing this for yourself." etc etc. if I was 100% doing it for myself, wouldn't I feel the push to do these things rather than just sit back and do nothing about them?

unfortunately, though, I must settle. the one thing I've always wanted out of life is impossible for someone like me, so this is the road I must take. I do have a dream of owning a restaurant, but it's not my BIGGEST dream. it's... I dunno. I get too sad just thinking about it.

now I'm going to become the 할아버지 (harabeoji... means grandpa) that I've been for the last few days and retire to my bed. 안녕히 주무세요!
7th-Aug-2009 09:08 pm - pardon this.
All around me are

Be nice/clean up/don't lie/straighten your back/listen up/do your homework/stay in school/keep your head up high
BELIEVE in love.
Years of obliging have led me to nothing but doubt.

Then one day I was walking down the street
And a black hole opened up beneath my feet
I fell so far, so far I couldn't stop
No ground beneath my feet, nothing to walk upon
And the darkness around me was uninviting
The cold that surrounded me was made for biting skin
So weak and thin, everything could seep in
Then a malicious virus took over my pores
And I was made shallow and nothing more
But the only thing remaining that was true
Was the beating heart that lived only for you

You see, when I fall in love, I fall in fast,
Submerge myself in it completely until I drown
Yet it feels as if I'm always drowning
Which is not to say I'm always in love
When a wonderful girl catches my eye,
I merely swoon but do not fly
Yet on select moments (and I'm glad there's not more)
I'm given wings and start to soar
Straight into the skies
Until I reach the sun, yet I'm denied
Its warmth and beauty, it overcomes me
Because my love, she does not want me

It seems my heart wants not what can be attained
But the very things which aren't in my reach
I need help
I seek help
To cure this curse upon me.
This flesh eats away at itself
And I dig deep into my chest
Try to pull my heart out of its cavity
Want to tear it to pieces
Want to make it stop feeling
I feel not in this place, though
These things reside within my mind
Nothing more I can to than give it time
Time to diminish, but what may that be?
Some more pain for me? Something I can't rid from my body easily?

And what of these things that we call friends
We trust and love and consult and talk and laugh and learn and grow and cry and sigh and die a little on the inside and bleed and break and scream and take and... what else is there?
Is it worth trading over the freedom of loneliness
When you still feel alone and under stress?
Is it worth the pain of being alone in your head
When no one understands exactly what you said?
There is a lack of control with those on the outside
Looking in, they see more than you do
They pull you apart
Tear you down
Sort through the little pieces to attain what they want
What they've been looking for
And then they run
They run and ignore you
You're not a part of their smaller world
You can hold the planet on your shoulders for them
Circle the Milky Way a thousand times
Dance on the burning hot stars
And bring them the entire universe in a box
But what good is it all for?
You're just another face in the crowd
Not an A
Not a B
Maybe a C
But not a D
And surely not any of the other 23 letters of the alphabet - that's right
Twenty-seven in total
I've set open a spot for us
Between I and U
We've still a long way to go
So don't leave me alone
Don't leave me alone
I may not be great
I may not be different
But it's these things that make
Someone who makes sense
I know that didn't make sense
It's not supposed to make sense
Because that's who I am
I'm happy-go-lucky
But maybe not so much
I'm boring
And stupid
Sad and dark.
Didn't you ever think for once you could change me?
Lead me toward a better place?
I may be better off not knowing
You've all got your place in each others' lives
And I've got mine
In my own
On my own
From beginning to end.
1st-Jun-2009 04:40 pm - Personal Health/Goal Journal
I've made a journal to keep track of my diet and weight loss progress as well as random other things I'd like to throw in. That's not to say I'm discarding this one, as this will provide for the rest of my day-to-day thoughts...well, at least when I wish to share them.

You can find the journal at likethewindx. It's friends' only, though, so if you want to read what I've written or offer me tips or cheer me on or SOMETHING, well, you'll have to add it. Sorry!
19th-Feb-2009 01:43 am - Writer's Block: Animal Instinct
What creature would you choose as your spirit animal?

This has been brought up to me before and what felt most familiar to me was the wolf. Wolves are very family oriented, living in packs and hunting as such. They are also very territorial which speaks volumes for me as I make my home area a living being.

However, I occasionally seem to be a solo person lacking confidence and always afraid to speak up. I hide in the shadows ignoring any sort of communication for fear of someone actually wanting to catch on. Any animal similar to that will probably capture my heart, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
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